My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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