New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
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