Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
