From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
