we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize