you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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