you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
People with herpes should wear stickers.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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