hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
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