remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
