So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
