living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
