I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
