I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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