I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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