Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
i drank out of a bidet.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
