Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
