Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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