his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
