Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
