You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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