I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
