I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
