You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
