You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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