I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
