So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
