True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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