Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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