the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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