the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I feel like abortions should bother me more
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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