I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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