he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
