I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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