mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
