as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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