I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
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