Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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