so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
