pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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