Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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