can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
