thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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