Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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