Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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