We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
