There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
