I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
