you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize