dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
