omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
