Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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