i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
