She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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