Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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