i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
