he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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