did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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