i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
