Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
