Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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