last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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