you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
