my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
